I have long been interest in the phenomenon, which seems common with we humans of the abused becoming the abusers. Aside from lots of research indicating the frequently of abusers having been abused, I have personally experienced this pattern. Both when I attended enlisted boot camp in the U. S. Navy and later when I was a Midshipman at the U. S. Naval Academy it seems to me that those who had been previously treated very harshly as a new recruit or a plebe at the Academy took great pleasure when they were upper class persons or those in charge in treating the new recruits or plebes just as harshly as they had been treated.
As a person trained in clinical psychology I learned to look for a history of abuse when dealing with those who were now being abusive. Although I could not always find evidence of past abuse, frequently that was the case. The reverse is not, however, true. Most who are abused do not become abusers (see website: 1in6.org)
On one level this makes perfect sense to me. We humans always use the tools we have to deal with life issues. This applies to emotional issues as was as very concrete issues. It would seem that a large percentage of people who are abused learn new ways of dealing with emotional issues either through counseling or some other means (Perhaps they just figure it out.)
On another level this makes no sense at all, especially when talking about behavior which we may not classify as abusive per se but is very negative.
This morning, while driving, I was listening to the Diane Rehm show. The discussion centered on individuals commonly referred to as millennial and their expectation to be mentored and treated well in the workplace. When they are not thus treated they are more likely than those in previous generations to change jobs. The discussion centered around the assertion that members of the millennial have been led to expect to be treated well and to have frequent positive feedback which was not true of many who were raised in a different generation. Those supervising the members of the millennial generation often get very frustrated with them and more or less expect that to suck it up just as they did.
While listening I was thinking of the fact that depending on which study results one reads 42.6 % or 30% of workers say that they are satisfied with their jobs. I have also heard reports suggesting even a smaller percentage are happy at their jobs. (Google: State of workplace- Gallup or the report but the Conference Board. Most of these figures are from 2010-1012). Regardless of which figures are accurate there are an enormous number of people in the United States and elsewhere who are unhappy at their workplace. Yet, these same people seem, on the whole, to be unable to create a work environment, which is more positive. Theoretically, given the number of unhappy people, it would seem to be very simple for the majority of workers to get together and create a positive environment. In fact that might often find that the members of the millennial generation have some helpful tips on how to do this.
Even most health care workers with whom I have worked or to whom I speak are very unhappy. One of my colleagues, a very accomplished therapist has changed jobs a number of times in recent years because of negative work environment. Many of the clients who have hired me have been teachers, health care workers (doctors, therapists, nurses, technicians) who are unhappy in their jobs. How it is it that teachers and health care workers do not know how to create a positive work environment? Why do so many convince themselves that they are trapped in an unhealthy work environment? When a new generation comes along with different expectations why are they criticized for having unrealistic expectations?
What then keeps individuals from changing the behavior in the workplace or in other organizations? If we found one way of functioning was not working, then it would make sense that we would try another way of functioning. If we were mistreated, treated as less then, or as if we were not a valuable member of a team it would seem to make sense that we would be motivated to treat others with more kindness. At times, this does happen. Often I have talked to kind, generous people who are intentional in treating others well because of how negatively there were treated when younger. Yet, many of we humans are not able to make this transition. Many of us end up turning our pain into anger and displacing it on others. Then, as is our habits as humans, we have a need to justify our behavior. We may say that we have to teach others to be tough like we are, to man up or woman up!
Those who do create a more positive environment for others no matter what their job – parent, teacher, health care worker, factory worker, farmer or whatever, fascinate me. During the last couple of weeks I have been spending time each morning with a friend who is a patient at the Meese Countryside Hospital in Safety Harbor, Florida. Although both my friend and I have met some seemingly unhappy employees of the hospital, most of the nurses, orderlies, technicians, and other first line staff have been enormously positive and kind to patients and each other. In fact my friend, who is a retired health care worker said that her faith in the young professional has been restored.
I know of a restaurant in Pennsylvania who has always treated every employee as if they were enormously valuable. Customers love the resulting atmosphere.
My experience in reading about, visiting and talking with staff of Trader Joes is that they have learned to create an atmosphere, which is enormously positive for employees and customers. I know that the staff includes people of various generations.
Perhaps some of us, as parents, have created a generation who feel entitled to be treated with enormous kindness and respect; who expected to be treated as cherished employees. I am not convinced that this is bad. Yes, I am quite sure that we have not created a perfect generation. Still, I suspect that we have much to learn from them just as we have much to teach them.
Again I am reminded that when we function as a team or group of equals even though we may have different job functions we are likely to perform at our very best. This is good for our individual and collective health. This is good for the economic health of the company as well. It should not take someone with a high intelligence quotient to figure out that treating others well will have more positive results. Are there still going to be unhappy employees and people in general? Yes, of course there is. Depression, unhealed traumas, medical issues and a host of other issues will need to be identified and, if at all possible, treated. Some people may not be in a job or a relationship that they are capable of enjoying. Still, I think we humans are capable of creating environments, which are nurturing and productive. I happen to think that the two go together.
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